Why are you here? Why am I here?
– This site does not attempt to discuss the meaning of life, the existence of consciousness, nor the origins nor fate of the universe. (Although you’ll forgive me for dabbling in existentialism now and again). The truth of the matter is that I wanted to write my stories. Everyone should!
Do you have something against Harry Houdini?
– Not anymore.
Do you think the song, “The Devil Went Down to Georgia” was based on a true story? Why or why not?
– I take 3 issues concerning the authenticity of that song’s lyrics. Firstly, smelting a functional violin of gold would require precision casting and technologies that just weren’t available at that time, neither in Hades nor Georgia. Second, the acoustics of such an instrument would be abysmal. It’s no wonder Lucifer lost. Lastly, if the devil wanted to acquire a sinful soul in a timely manner, he should have just skipped Georgia and gone straight to Vegas.
Did you know that the sun is 109 times larger, diametrically speaking, than the Earth?
– Yes, I did know that. I also know that when the sun incinerates the Earth, life may evolve on Titan. Please plan accordingly.
Do you shout at inanimate objects in the hopes of receiving either a response or a reaction?
– What, do you mean like an alarm clock or a car or something? Um, YEEAH. Doesn’t everybody? Who let that question in?
Do you accuse television chefs of stealing your recipes?
– Daily.
Do you insist that television chefs work out of your kitchen, with your non-existent gadgets, your dull knives, and your children hanging on them and see what the hell results they get?
– Yes. With the exception of that one chef who curses a lot. One can only assume he would be a bad influence on my children. Even my 7-year old said, “DAMN! That guy uses some bad words!”
Has Scorcese finished production of your film yet?
– Not yet. Sheesh. No one can be THAT busy.
Who’s Your Daddy?
– You might read about him now and then on this site, so thats a moot question. Oh wait, what?
Do you believe that truth is stranger than fiction?
– Am I allowed to answer these questions with just ‘D’uh’?
Is it true that Sister Thomas Mary gave you an “I” for “Improvement Needed” in 4th Grade, under the category of “Spends Time Wisely?” I’m disappointed in you! Please explain yourself.
– Chillax. My suspicions were that Sister Thomas Mary moonlighted as a professional wrestler and in fact, would have much preferred to pursue that career full time. As a result of her unhappiness in elementary academia, she took issue with freckled-faced girls who read mostly Garfield, Peanuts, Family Circus, and outdated versions of the Guinness Book of World Records in her spare time.
What’s your favorite color?
– Your Honor, do I have to respond?
Does having a favorite color ever really serve anybody?
– No, and thank you for bringing up this vital issue. I don’t believe that having a favorite color actually benefits anybody. You should try to incorporate all colors into your life…unless you like to wear just white or just black. Then, yeah. That’s fine.
Are all of your friends celebrities?
– It depends what you mean by ‘celebrities,’ but yes. Yes, they are. Now I have to go because Brad and Ang are waiting outside in a Mały Fiat.
Did your high school Latin teacher lambaste you publicly? Did he call you “Bird Brain” and say on multiple occasions (verbatim) that you should be working down the street in a factory making wooden table legs? Did you ever visit that factory and was it a pleasant alternative to Latin?
– Yes, it’s all true. It has come to my attention that no such factory existed, sadly. If it did, I surely would have run there. That same teacher called my parents on the telephone and told them he was sure you could fry an egg on our television.
How many languages do you speak?
– If you include my native English, I speak 2, possibly 4 (those others being Polish, Spanish and Pig Latin). However, I can also spit some mad survival phrases in Thai, Korean, Chinese, French and Hungarian. My German is elementary, with an accent that causes even the politest of Germans to stifle a guffaw.
Do you believe in magic?
– In a young girl’s heart.
Didn’t you walk down the street with Lou Reed?
– OMG! Totally! Well, yes, {ahem}, we passed each other on Houston Ave in NYC some years ago. So, yes, we were walking down the street together…just in opposite directions, but clearly going the same way.
Did you really attend a prep school? Do you think your shit is ice cream as a result?
– Yes, wait – hellz, no! I am grateful for the education I received (the creative writing classes, por ejemplo), but it wasn’t easy. The prep school kids from the wealthier areas considered me a total redneck from a faraway bumshit town, while the kids from my hometown (who attended the local public school) regarded me as a snot for going to Prep. Hence, I was a loser all around. At least, that is, until I got my revenge… (insert clinically-worrisome, maniacal laughter here).
Do you ever grow tired of yourself?
– Never. I have plenty of other people to do that for me.
When you were in grade school, did you avoid wearing braids for the sheer reason of avoiding being called ‘half-pint’ by the school janitor (a Charles Ingalls wanna-be)?
– Yes. Wait, how did you know that?
Does anybody really know what time it is?
– Does anyone really care?
It’s been documented that one Sister Thomas Mary awarded you yet another “I” (“Improvement Needed”) in 4th Grade, highlighting an additional character flaw. Sadly, this one was: “Paying Attention.” What do you have to say for yourself, Missy?
– Reader, I can only assure you that I rectified that report card almost immediately upon receipt with solid advice from my Grandmother. She instructed me to march into school and stare at that chalk-dusted woman until my eyeballs burned up in their sockets. Gram ordered me to not even look down at what I was writing, just penetrate that pasty face straight through to the habit. I planned to only blink when my retinas became so arid that the eye tissue threatened to wither up and fly off into the distance…up and out the window, and look! There’s a train going by! I wonder where the train is headed? It’s a silver train carrying lumber and coal and….
Would you describe yourself as a high-maintenance or low-maintenance gal?
– I didn’t run a hairbrush through my hair for almost all of last year so, you decide.